How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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