Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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