got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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