I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
