I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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