i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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