Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
