I got chris browned last night
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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