if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
we're making bets on your personal life
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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