Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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