fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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