shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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