I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
