your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
