I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
