My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So many bounce houses so little time
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
