Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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