Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
