He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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