she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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