if you like me you must not know who I am
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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