Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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