We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just threw up on my dentist
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
