he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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