my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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