I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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