before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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