Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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