My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
