All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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