I accidentally burped into my bong.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
