I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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