Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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