is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize