I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize