Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
