i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
