just come out here and I will go home with you...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
