I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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