Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
God I need to hump something, right now.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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