onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
