so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize