70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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