And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
