I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
