Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
