i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
