I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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