Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize