Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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