So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
