shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
