What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Randomize
