You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
