if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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