I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
