Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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