i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he shaved USA in his pubs
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
