What a fucking waste of an outfit
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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