Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
